Tender timing

"Wanker!"

Of course, riding an odd looking bike through a conservative city's inner suburb is always going to elicit a range of wild and imaginative comments from the public. The perceptiveness of different age groups is quite interesting to note, given that my usual attire in the lessening sunshine of a late afternoon in September is frequently a nonspecific black. Black socks; grey and black shoes; black shorts; black fleece, perhaps enlivened with a hint of a shocking pink or muted blue t-shirt lurking underneath; black even is my headwear which may equally involve polystyrene or a microfibre cotton-poly mix. Eyes formerly hidden behind reflective sunglasses now plainly observe the world through UV-A and UV-B rated polycarbonate with 85% light transmission. Small children on their way to school, accompanied by their mother or father keenly restraining any bemusement, express mild wonder in their unabashed enthusiasm for the lady on the funny bike. The need to keep one's side up, however, in the cut-throat internet- and Big Brother-educated worldly socialism of both pre-teen and teenage cliques and social circles rides roughshod over any such earlier innocence and, it appears therefore, the ability to tell boy from girl. The w-word, my foot.

If such playful misidentification wasn't enough, so many times while commuting and in hot pursuit of no-one in particular, I find my onlooker to be posted on the other side of the road. I find that most annoying, in fact. In the hustle and bustle of traffic and with me moving at anything from 10mph to 30mph, it is rarely a simple matter to jam on my brakes, mirror-signal-manoeuvre, and swing around in a glorious U-turn of canted-over control of tyre versus road. And even if I could, my retort of instant, withering wit would surely and inconveniently desert me in my moment of triumph. In today's otherwise ordinary ride through an ordinary city street, a street perhaps a little worse for wear in its grubby stonework, its tracksuited, shopping bag carrying denizens and its cut-up tarmac displaying a once-proud red painted cycle lane, on a low brick wall there lay in wait a threesome of grey-clad twentysomethings. I wondered, as my head flicked around upon that single shouted word to be met by three toothy, vacant, beer lubricated grins, if they were new to the area, for Victoria and I were certainly no stranger to those parts. But, my great inertia carried me onwards without a moment's hesitation even as I held their gaze for a second longer.

I held my tongue, too, not entirely out of politeness but out of the immediate failure to conjure up that deadly verbal barrage, contrived precisely to penetrate the slow thinking mind with a short, sharp expression, while simultanously retaining a suitably supercilious delivery aimed squarely at the bows of said physically unlikely suggestion, and designed to confuse and embarrass in equal measure.

Once home of course, and with all the time in the world for such fancies, my mind started constructing the proverbial arrows.

"Feck off!"

That most endearingly sanitised insult still sits somewhat uncomfortably as a rather unbecoming turn of phrase, and would do little to further the benign reputation of a majority of road users. However, such concerns might be moot in the present company, and one must certainly admire its minimally syllabic pointedness and the effectiveness of an almost unrivalled speed of articulation.

"Tosser!"

Right back atcha! One would however still be plumbing the depths of good taste, and with articulative speed no better than before the receipient would be equally far back along the road. However, the extended û sound of the last syllable provides for a splendid lingering delivery as one speeds away.

"Takes one to know one!"

Too commonplace I think; impossibly clichéd, and even in jest would be intimating fault where in my surely holier-than-thou manner none existed. Through its everyday manner any desired insult is diluted beyond reasonable effect, and it borders on a delivery time that may be measured as 10 metres or more of tarmac, by which time the guilty party is already long gone, hidden by later vehicles and falling off one's immediate attentions.

My mind started working on effusion instead, incorporating half-remembered snatches of comedy sketches involving a man coming to repair a harpsichord, and an adaptation of litarary greatness that would have Jane Austen herself blushing furiously.

"Fair Sir, I fear not. I do find however that a strap-on is quite unable to deliver the same wonderful sensations with which I'm sure you yourself are so intimately acquainted."

Traffic lights notwithstanding, I would be quite tested to carry my voice 160 metres for the final words to my most expressive acquaintance. In the heat of the moment, I decided that in order to minimise further reaction time I should merely direct at him a look combining amusement and superiority, and thus the half-smirk, half-glare was created. The effectiveness of this approach is highly debatable, yet as I continued on my happy journey I detected no subsequent laughter.

Except mine.

State of play

On occasions all too rare I get to leave my svelte black trousered desk jockey life in the office and, in a whirlwind of flying lycra and Coolmax, turn myself into SuperBex: the hardened cyclist, train passenger and enthusastic geographer. So when the question was asked whether one of us ought to attend a three-day exhibition in Birmingham, I volunteered. The first step was to look at the map and find out where I was headed. Strictly speaking, it wasn't really in Birmingham at all but on the periphery, squeezed in alongside an airport, a motorway, a dual carriageway and a railway. Immediately my thoughts turned to the logistics of getting there and back again. I certainly wasn't going to drive, and I wasn't going to fly because my environmental conscience wouldn't let me for so frivolous a distance. And at any rate, the closure of an ash-filled UK airspace was yet to happen. Taking a bus, even from home to Waverley, would undoubtedly leave me distinctly green and unwell, so bike + train was the happy solution. More mapping took place as I measured various routes from New Street Station out to the National Exhibition Centre, and I felt that a nice eight mile bike ride could open each day nicely. Of course, that depended on where I was to stay; I could keep it simple and look for a hostel, or a bed-and-breakfast perhaps, or I could leave it to the travel agent and end up invariably in a nondescript, functional travel inn somewhere.

Anyone can catch a train from A to B, even me. Of greater organisational prominence was taking my bike onboard unfamilar trains and, at the destination, knowing where to park it. The trains to Birmingham as I was already aware were Virgin Voyagers and Pendolinos, which have a cupboard with little hooks to hang your bike vertically, instead of a handy driving van trailer with tandem and recumbent-friendly bike racks. But for sheer convenience I decided I'd use my folding bike in case I needed to take it inside somewhere.

Given its location I supposed that it would have a lot of amenities for visitors, but the NEC website only told half the story, falling over itself to tell me how much car parking was available, the range of bus stops and coach rides, the ease of access from Birmingham International railway station and Birmingham International airport, the proximity of hotels ... and nothing whatsoever about cycling or walking. And yet the website for the exhibition itself asked everyone to travel by the most environmentally sound method that was practical. Not to be outdone, I e-mailed the conferencey people at the NEC to find out about cycle parking availability and, wonder of wonders, they had some! That is to say, a grand total of nine bike spaces compared with 26 thousand spaces for cars, and with the rack located in one of the car parks somewhere. Can you see where this is going wrong?

Having gone to town with paper maps, internet maps and both aerial views and bird's eye views I knew where I was going and when. I was to be staying in a hotel within walking distance of the event which wouldn't involve crossing any big roads but did involve walking through an industrial estate. I decided I'd leave my bike in my room, except for the last day when I would need to get straight onto the train afterwards; I would have to check out that morning too, so I could either look for the mythical bike rack or take my bike inside the hall with me. I needed to decide on my luggage, too. The bike doesn't have a carrier rack, which meant using my messenger bag and handlebar bag, a combination that saw me down to the York Cycle Show and the National Railway Museum two years ago. With my nice leather boots taking up most of my bag, and conference paperwork being most of the weight, I pedalled down to Waverley and jumped onto a SuperVoyager, hung up my bike (noting that all of the webbing tie-down straps were missing from the cycle bay), met my friend, went to Wolverhampton, jumped onto a different SuperVoyager and arrived at Birmingham.

Finding the hotel was the easy bit: the signs showed the route I'd already worked out on paper. After a bit of a rest, my friend and I wandered around the NEC, finding the big hall for the exhibition being still set up but not finding anywhere to buy food. In fact, the place looked unsettlingly closed for business. We walked full circle around the place and headed across to the railway station, but could only find a Subway. To be fair, the food at the branches of Subway in America when I was riding across NY was quite good. But eating at a bunch of pressed aluminium patio chairs, wood and Formica tables, in a station concourse wasn't quite what I was looking for. Surely the airport would have somewhere to eat, we thought, since there could be lots of travellers there. We boarded the little SkyRail elevated train that's now a disappointingly conventional steel rope-hauled, rubber-tyred system compared with its hi-tech predecessor that, in 1984, was the world's first mass transit Maglev train. Of course, the airport was shut too, so we took a train into the city for our meal.

Thus was born the new slogan for prospective tourists:

"Visit Birmingham NEC, there's f**k all there!"

Day One of the exhibition the next day went without a hitch although my feet were tired by the end, and it was rounded out by another trip into the city for food that evening, during which time I took in the sights of Birmingham's marvellous Town Hall, looking for all the world like Edinburgh's National Monument on Calton Hill, but actually finished, and the Selfridges Building, which is one of the most superbly unlikely and out-of-keeping places I've ever seen, like a blob covered in drawing pins.

For Day Two of the exhibition I wafted out of my hotel after breakfast, determined to find the bike parking. What I discovered first was that my lovely assymetric black skirt was a little too floaty to successfully combine cycling and wind with modesty. Fortunately the perimeter road was quiet, and after a brief inspection of the southern entrance to the NEC to make sure that every expense had been spared on cycle infrastructure, I caught up with Car Park E. It was obvious to anyone who knew where to look. I could tell by all the motorbikes parked in front of it, and the absence of any bicycles.



Surveying the scene, it all becomes perfectly obvious. The rack is a simple set of nine wheelbenders, attached to the ground or the adjacent wooden fence by methods unknown. Bicycles, as one knows, are relatively fragile to the onslaughts of hacksaws and bolt cutters and thus relatively stealable, or at the least, damageable. Unlike a motorbike whose weight is a signifcant factor to a single person with dishonest intentions, a bicycle is rarely so heavy it cannot be lifted. A bicycle's wheels are designed to carry the weight of a rider and a bit of luggage, and to be lightweight but strong in the direction of expected forces. A wheelbender rack merely encourages other forces to dominate with predictable results. A motorcyclist has equally far to walk to the NEC entrance as would a cyclist, so distance is not the main problem: I already mentioned weight and ease of theft. A bicycle must therefore live closer to oneself, or at least be secured either through a fit for purpose rack or in a place that is covered by CCTV and in reach of security. The ideal bike rack should encompass all three factors. I measured the rack as being 360 metres' walk from the nearest entrance, and over 1km from my hotel using the shortest route through the buildings. When I'm in a hurry for my train, I don't have time to run that far to get to my little insignificant toy and ride it back.

But a folding bike has by definition one advantage over a cumbersome, so I wheeled myself straight inside and handed a compact package of tubes and wheels to a very bored looking cloakroom attendant whose sole raison d'être appeared to be her mobile phone. I opted to spend the day wearing my bike shoes and several times other conference-goers remarked on my sensible footwear and my undoubted wealth of experience of conference-going. Sensible, yes, but not quite as stylin' as I'd been.

There was one moment however when my footwear choice was ideal, as I paused at one of the information stands. Their draw was one of the new Boardman bikes set up on a turbo trainer, which was in turn hooked up to a wattmeter and a computer. The objective was to cycle as far as possible up a predefined gradient profile, with the resistance (and thus pedalling effort) accordingly controlled by the computer which measured one's overall power output and distance covered in 40 seconds. In proper Top Gear tradition, there was a leaderboard too, all shiny steel with white strips of magnetic rubber listing those who'd set their times already.

 'Roll up! Roll up! Try your pedalling prowess on our patent velocipedometer!' cried the cheerful man at the stand, or at least, that's what I imagined he wanted to be calling out. 'Miss, are you going to have a go?' he asked me as I watched two people taking their turns at maximum effort.
 '255 watts!' he exclaimed as the girl slowed her pedalling to a stop and climbed off the bike.
 'That's hard!' she breathed. 'I couldn't do that for 40 miles.' Her partner in crime took the bull by the horns for a seemingly all-out sprint.
 'Woah, you're nearly taking off!' cried the cheerful man as he put his weight on the turbo to hold it down. '328 watts!' he exclaimed a minute later as the man recovered from his exertions.
 'Is that all? That's rubbish!' he replied wearily. He was obviously looking at the top score, which was over 1000 watts.
 'You're still here, are you sure you won't have a go? See the board, we've not had many women on the bike.'
I clenched my quads and calves quietly as if to warm up without being noticed. 'Yeah, I ought to have a go, really.'

I thought back to the Arthur's Seat Challenge and my 2km, 279W output, I looked at the leaderboard and hoped I'd match some of the men in the high 200s. With the seat adjusted I climbed on, cinched up the toestraps and spun the pedals a little. I'd never been on a turbo before. It felt pretty easy though and I thought I might have a chance after all, so I knocked it into a moderate gear and readied myself.

 'Are you ready? Three ... two ... one ... go!' I hauled on the pedals and took off. Get the cadence up, change up a gear, another gear, shift onto the bar ends for more power, grab another two gears, keep the cadence, grrrrr.
He started calling out the power output. '400 watts!' '500 watts!' Hey, I might just do this. '600 watts! Go for it!'

By half a minute I was going at it hammer and tongs and my thighs felt the resistance ramping up quickly. I stood up on the pedals to rock the bike but realised my mistake immediately and found myself in too high a gear, and slowing down by the 40 second mark.
 'Nearly there! Three ... two ... one ... Finished!'
Bloody hell, I thought to myself, my throat'll feel that later. 'Our survey said?' I breathed out loud.
 'Wow, 522 watts Becky! Puts you in ... fifth place!'
Hah, that'll show them. Another two women were hovering there as I passed by the stand again late in the day, and by now I was the star whose score was met with incredulity. One managed a very respectable 350-odd watts while wearing wholly inappropriate footwear (and my fleece top tied around her middle for modesty) and the other in the low 200s. 'Do you cycle a lot?' they asked me.

I'm sure that smugness is an unappealing trait but I was still enjoying my fifteen minutes of fame even as I changed out of my conference clothes and back into my travelling clothes, and catching my connection into Birmingham New Street. Only the train's cycle compartment, securely locked to the public, dampened my spirits for a moment as I stowed myself in the carriage vestibule. That is one manoeuvre that Victoria the V2, all eight feet of her, would never manage! Onto another SuperVoyager and I hooked up my bike again for a couple of hours, and then a small regional train took me back to Waverley.

So to anyone thinking of cycling to the NEC, my advice is to take your folding bike, take your motorbike or better still, take the train and a pair of trainers!

Shoot high, aim low

Great Britain: a name only accented correctly by either a stiff upper lipped, handlebar moustachioed flying ace from 1944, or The Queen. A name evocative of motor cars handbuilt with the natural understatement of lashings of cowhide and burr walnut; of green liveried steam engines with red pinstriping; of complex machines controlled only by rods and levers and valves; of a land where everything stops for tea. I'm British, and therefore I crave disappointment. Far be it for a train to arrive or depart exactly on time, like the trains in Japan do to the millisecond. For the fact that we, the British, invented train travel two hundred years ago in a land of hills and consequently have no geography-be-damned racetracks, the challenge to surmount the Cheviots, the Pennines, Exmoor, the Lake District, is such that control of time is at best limited by human experience. British trains should not run on time: it isn't wrong, but we just don't do it. And there is a legend, however unqualified, that during those fateful two and a half hours in April, 1912, in the ensuing scatter of organisation, disproportionately fewer British passengers were rescued than American passengers because we queued politely to board the lifeboats.

Britain does not have icebergs, nor does it have seasons; it only has weather, in the sense of outbreaks of sunshine turning to scattered showers in the southwest, heading north, temperatures dipping down to freezing and rain turning to snow on higher ground. Drifting is likely in exposed areas with snow lying elsewhere but dying out eventually, heavy showers expected in the west and hail to the north, turning to sunny spells for a time but staying overcast in most places, ten degrees (50 Fahrenheit) across most areas, reaching 25 degrees (77 Fahrenheit) in the south -- warm for the time of year. That is the weather forecast for the year ahead, but equally it could be tomorrow's forecast.

Despite this, they've worked out that statistically the average British commuter cyclist will be rained on just twelve times a year. Although my records began in 2001, no notes were ever taken with a view to proving or disproving this theory, but a back of a fag packet calculation suggests it's not far from the truth. Of course, a proper British bicycle has to be designed for more than 12 hours of rain a year. That's why hot-dang Sram hub gears stop working with their oil and grease gradually turning to inky black salt while Sturmey-Archers, being made of sterner stuff, keep going. It is entirely possible to use a dérailleur geared bicycle year-round, as long as one keeps one eye on the jockey wheels, one eye on the parallelogram pivots and one eye on the cables, but technology can help. The eponymous Scottoiler, invented by a Scot called Fraser Scott, has its beginnings in the grimy M6 motorway between Manchester and the Weege, saving the lives of many a motorbike chain. One of its derivatives lives onboard Annie the Blue Bike, which when coupled with spiky tyres becomes my snowbound winter transport. Too many people, mostly those with carbon fibre road bikes I think, scoff at having a little dispensing device on their bike instead of just carrying a bottle of Triflow. I think it's rather better because it's self-contained and puts the lube exactly where it's needed whenever it's needed. Some say it's nothing more than chainsaw oil, and I couldn't comment with any certainty, but it's a device that is suited perfectly to weather where it rains in the morning, washing your chain clean, only for the sun to come out at lunchtime and bake it dry, or when you're ploughing through slush and grit and you just know that it can't be good for your bike. Hub gears with their innards hiding away are ideally suited to British weather. So suited, in fact, that for some reason none of my bikes has one.

My brash American upstart of vélo origami, known more fondly as the Little Dahon, hasn't weathered the weather quite as well as one would wish. Its back wheel went bang one winter when a single spoke, one of 16 strung so tightly their voices bordered on ultrasound, let go, the salt of the roads having set in the rot in the cavity of the rim drilling. Its rear dérailleur, itself a product of a company which when only two years old sued the mighty Shimano and won, reacted equally badly to salt ingress. Of course, some time and some careful workshoppery solved those issues. But most of all, while indeed a brilliantly lightweight machine for handling both the zipping around from home to railway station to workplace and car booting for assorted trips, its original purpose of accumulating mileage has been taken up by its recumbent siblings. For an almost car-free (and to all intents and purposes, also motorbike-free) owner, foldingness is becoming important, and three bicycles must come to the fore: Dr David Hon's beautiful Dahon Curl, Jon Whyte's mechanical Mezzo, and Andrew Ritchie's resolutely British -- nay, English -- hub geared Brompton. The Curl, notwithstanding occasional forays into Taipei bicycle shows, maintains an almost mythical status that has bettered even that of Philip Brook's Canadian GoBike. The Mezzo, coming from the man who for a brief year was the star XC mountain bike designer, promised a future of gunmetal grey angularity and clever frame design and somehow delivered an uninspiring whole. And yet the Brompton bicycle, first brought into being more than 30 years ago and refined ever since to a refined audience by an uncompromising engineer who crafted the ultimate compromise, still ranks at the top of smallness and convenience. You may have any colour you like for free, as long as it's black. Or black with red bits. That the most recognisably national edition, painted in dark green, is a custom colour currently asking of you up to 50 of Her Majesty's British Pounds is to me a singular mistake. One can only assume that Ritchie was not an ardent international motorsport enthusiast, or that quite simply black paint was more readily available in the early days on which tradition must be based.

I am not, as you will be patently aware, a Brompton owner, but this was supposed to change at the turn of this year. I was looking forward to it greatly in fact, for I had my red, white and blue Union Flag sticker poised and waiting to be applied; I had everything mentally planned for rail journeys free from mucking about with bicycle bookings; and like Juliane Neuß, Harry Bickerton and countless engineers before them, I had a series of ideas to improve upon something that was good but not quite good enough. My Speedy, another bastion of British cycle industry (in the loosest senses, admittedly) had gone to live with a recumbent dealer, and everything was set. All I had to do was wait for my brand new little Brompton to arrive. Like a proper British citizen, I had patiently waited eight, then twelve, then sixteen weeks, calling in for occasional updates and being assurred that all was well and forthcoming. And then came the call. The problem was, it seemed, that the shop with whom I had placed the order -- and henceforth the custodian of Speedy -- found itself quite suddenly cast adrift from London's folding bike maker, and there wasn't a bike with my name on it.

A bit of telephoning around revealed that not only was there not a bike with my name on it, there wasn't even a pile of parts in the factory with my name on it. But I could have my Speedy back if I wanted, or have the shop sell it for me. A number of e-mails plied the information superhighway, in one direction only it transpired, and a lot of telephoning around to Government organisations and much studying of sales legislation revealed that I had a case, but somewhat frustratingly not much of one. I picked up the telephone again. I sent more e-mails, and I waited. Days passed. Since my efforts weren't being reciprocated for whatever reason, I picked up the telephone yet again. More e-mails circulated, this time with more success.

Twenty-three weeks -- nearly half a year -- from my original order, the big yellow and silver cheetah has made its way back to the tall athletic girl who seven years ago looked kindly upon it, tended to its front paws and made its insides all better. Unfortunately, while Annie might have been missing its low-slung friend, Tabitha and Victoria have no such qualms, and they were quite looking forward to meeting their new British stablemate.

But the cat came back, it just couldn't stay away.

Gravity

Today I was reading a discussion about commuting routes, and in particular how hilly our terrain was.  Most seemed to be using Bikely for plotting journeys and calculating the changes in elevation, but since the site was either down or busy, I had a play with a speedy little site called BikeHike instead. Marvel at my mighty four mile ride to work.  That dip at about 0.6 miles ought to be good for 40mph if I really went for it, and 30mph can be held along the level on a fresh legged Monday morning.  Up to about the two mile mark I can sit at 30mph if the traffic is light, but there are rather too many places along the way where other vehicles might emerge so normally I'm feathering the brakes and in hyper-observation mode.  Total time: about 14 minutes, reducing to 12 minutes in exceptional conditions and up to 18 minutes in winter traffic jams.

But I greatly dislike this route when riding home again, for the Great Long Hill is a 9mph slog amongst eager homeward-bound motorists in silver Mercedes, black BMW X5s and red Ford Focuses (Foci?), so my preferred route is carefully designed to take in the delights of ornate 19th century flats and a relaxed wheel along refreshing tree-lined parkland.

 Apart from the early downhill run to 1.6 miles, where I would normally expect to hit 30mph and hold above 25mph, it's deceptively uphill. It has to be, of course, but the circuitous route allows a few opportunities to give my bike its head.  It's a 7.6 mile ride that is just long enough to get a workout and with plenty of diversion options if I'm feeling tired or adventurous.  I might, for example, ride right through the middle of the city, down past the Scottish Parliament and up around Arthur's Seat and out past the currently, and sadly, closed for refurbishment Royal Commonwealth Pool.  At the 5-and-a-bit mile mark the land drops down off a ridge, one of two marking the Colinton Fault that stretches from Torphin Hill by the southwest of the city, under the West End and all the way to Leith Docks and indeed into the Forth.  This section could be another speed test if only the tarmac was mended once and for all.  But I like this route enough that it's become my standard ride home.

On a slightly more grandiose scale, and just for fun, this is the elevation graph from one day of my all-too-short cycle tour in the summer of 2008:

That evil spike at about 27 miles might be remembered by intrepid cycle tourists as much for its gradient as its dank scenery.

"Halfway up the tarmacked cliff I came to a church, set a little back from the road, and I eased off the pedals ready to stop for a rest. My momentum carried me on ever so gently though, as I took in the mossy grey stone walls and the wooden gateway, stained brown and and green from years of damp, shaded exposure. The church was very small, its windows dark, and it looked as though it hadn't seen a service in thirty years. I wondered idly as I passed if nature might be reclaiming it gradually for herself? The organ perhaps home to families of Great Tits, nesting amongst a miniature New York skyline of square wooden pipes. The gas lights long gone, their supply bright with verdigris. The pews, surely carved two hundred years ago from deep brown oak, turning a pale green with mould, an occasional shelf of beige fungus hanging from one end. Perhaps it was because it was a Saturday and the lights weren't switched on."

It was the secondary spike at about 29 miles that nearly finished me off, marking the first and last time I tried a day's touring on a full Scottish breakfast!